3 Creative Ways to Spend Time With Your Kids During Coronavirus

My family has gone through many changes since the Coronavirus hit.  The question hits me time after time: “Now, what do we do?”  We’re not supposed to go anywhere, but there’s a 3-year-old bouncing around the house and having trouble sleeping at night. This is an enormous problem because I am done parenting for the day when my kids are asleep.  No rest for them equals no rest for my wife and I.  It’s time to get creative with our kids and push the limits.

3 creative ways to spend time with your children during the Coronavirus are performing fun at home science experiments and crafts , block out time for creative play, and share memories from your life with your children.

Science Experiments and Crafts

There are a ton of free and exceptional things to do around your house.  Everyone could learn to make invisible ink. Kids love homemade Playdough and are inept at making dinosaur sculptures until you masterfully teach them.  You could pick up a $.99 bottle of pop and some Mentos at the grocery store and teach them about volcanoes while they decorate one. The recipes for these experiments are on Google.

Kids are a brilliant excuse for doing things you want to do, but you question if it is inappropriate for you as an adult.  I miss felt coloring posters personally. It’s time to buy one of those again for my kids and I. Don’t forget about painting. It is often a cheap yet entertaining endeavor.

Creative Play Time Blocking

Time blocking is important. It is a powerful skill to use with children. A mission of mine is to educate dads that they can duplicate their practices at work with their family.  It’s imperative to allow time for creative play without distraction.  

There is a difference between typical play and creative play.  Creative play uses more energy and involves learning a new skill.  Kids love to replay games.  There is a way to honor this and create fresh games along the way. I recommend twisting familiar games into imaginative ones and watch your kids adapt. It is mentally exhausting and healthy for them to engage these behaviors. 

We have a game called the sleeping game where they use an electronic book’s noises to knock me out and wake me up angry depending on the noise. I will change-up the rules of the game and teach them to play this game a different way than what they’re use to. These new rules tire my children out and build up their skills of creativity.

I recommend planning the activities out in advance.  There are benefits to being prepared such as extending the time activities last and their purpose.     

Sharing Memories

There are keepsakes all over your house.  This is a perfect time to share the meaning behind these items with your children.

Kids live in the present moment, and this is an excellent way to join and bond with them. It is important to give them room to play with or view the items you show them.  Share the story behind it, or show them how to use it. Encourage your child to be creative.  

I love to watch The Land Before Time movies with my kids. I brief them on memories of growing up with the characters and how it made an impact on my life.

A warning to the wise: Young kids will want to keep the item you show them.  Choose carefully about which ones you’re comfortable seeing played with.  Kids often have the mindset that everything is indestructible!

Fun for Everyone

Science experiments, creative play, and sharing memories will bond you to your children. You will enjoy the ideas you create too.  The whole point is to expose them to fresh activities that you find entertaining.  Coronavirus sucks. It is a challenge that we are all facing.  The aim is to cope fantastically with this stress, even though it’s hard.  Reach out if you get stuck. ryan.plasch@discoverymentalhealth.com.

A Creative Way to Celebrate Father's Day

I made a firm decision this year to do a Father’s Day dedicated to loving my family.  I asked each of them to decide 1 thing to do with me today and I would do it. This idea came from asking how can I best serve my family and be a co-leader in the direction of my family.  This is what excited me about Father’s Day this year.

I very much want to employ a servant-leadership dynamic into my family.  I may be on the right path but I want it to be stronger. I believe many families would be better having had this.  Dads all over would find more joy and less disconnection in their lives if they could find a way to implement servant-leadership principles.  

Father’s Day is an opportunity to start.  

The Goal for Father’s Day 2019

I have been working on excelling in my family for some time.  Does it always work? No, I fail often. I fail by stonewalling, disconnecting, avoiding troubles, having little patience, not supporting, gaslighting, and refusing to change.

Even so, my goals still stand.  It was time for me to put family first and elevate their position in my mind, body, and heart. To take the love I think I have for them and put action behind showing them.  There are many ways to accomplishing this goal but presence is a big piece of unveiling the mystery behind how to do it. I found that BEING PRESENT with them was the game changer.

My thought then was how do I be present with my family this Father’s Day when society says they are to celebrate me?  I put the focus back on them and informed them that this is what I want to do. It sends a different message. One that adds value to my family’s emotional bank (more on that another time).

What We Did

They chose very different things.  My wife wanted to clean out the hot tub due to it needing to be cleaned for some time… which we’ve been putting off. It felt great doing this together though bailing it out caused the beginning of a headache for me (which went away).  

My oldest daughter wanted to watch a movie.  The movie was The Land Before TIme #15, Journey of the Brave.  We cuddled on the couch and talked about the film. I left my phone behind.

Deidre is 2.5 years old.  She chose to spend time with me by playing a game dubbed “The Sleeping Game.”  No, this doesn’t involve me any sleeping (unfortunately). There are sound effects that we play from a music book.  1 of them has the power to put me to sleep. The others I react to (camera taking a picture, door opening, ketchup splatting, someone running, etc…). I chase after them to prevent them from pushing the button that makes me sleep. It was fun and both my girls enjoyed it.

I had some alone time during Father’s Day too in which I caught up on the latest E3 news from the week.  We went out to eat with my parents as well to catch up with them and celebrate my dad being a father.

The last part of my night was spent talking with my wife about our spending habits (which she loves talking about and I constantly avoid.  She’s better with money) and our future goals. I feel we are more on the same page with each other and have big plans in motion.

It was a very memorable Father’s Day

Lastly

Do not think I am big on myself for having done this.  I probably read about doing this somewhere and forgot where.  Also, I didn’t spend the whole day doing things with them. It was just part of the day.  I am on a journey to be a better father, servant-leader, and provider like many of the dads I get to know through Facebook groups, counseling, and friendships. Let’s walk together. #dadsolidarity  

As always, let me be a resource to you. Ryan: 612-207-9953.  

A Dad's Guide to Partner Influence

One very important concept that exists for relationships is simply called Partner Influence.  Dad’s who have a respectful and softer approach to be able to consciously and purposefully accept the influence of their partners are statistically happier than rigid fathers are (Gottman, 2015).

Sidenote.  Don’t think for a second that I am suggesting that dads should be the only ones to accept influence from their partner.  I am merely suggesting they start things off with their partner. Lead by example. Lead by action. This can be a new dynamic found in your relationship if you let it be.  

Defining Partner Influence

This concept means many things. It is setting your marriage up for a win-win rather than a win-lose (Pincus, 2017). This is possible but it takes some work to get there.  

Partner influence suggests you put your partner’s needs at a high level of importance in your life. You may feel this you are doing this already but we’re not talking about how you feel your level of success is, we’re talking about what your partner feels your level of success is which is a very different measure.  It is your job to check-in on your current defined level of success.

So often I see married couples who aren’t doing this.  Why? Because society doesn’t place an emphasis on its importance and American’s often are drowning in a world of busyness and stress.  

Don’t be offended if your partner doesn’t consider you up to the level you think you should be.  This isn’t a time to be successful. This is a time to learn and be accept influence from your partner. Here’s another thing about society.  These days, it isn’t easy to be a great partner with work and careers in the mix. Kids definitely don’t make it easy! There is so much working against you.

Regardless of what is going on for us personally, it doesn’t give us an excuse to give our family members the shaft.  Partner influence is one way to be mindful of our current behaviors and remain stable when there are personal life stressors present.  

Why Be Influenced

Statistics tell us much about the importance of partner influence.  Did you know that wives are a ton more likely to already engage in being influenced by their partner than men (Gottman, 2015)?  That’s why it is important that husbands are taught to engage in this practice too. Remember, we’re shooting for a win-win in the relationship.  

Also, marriages that incorporate partner influence into their creation are statistically proven to be happier marriages overall (Gottman, 2015).  This is the goal. To be happy with having your partner as a partner. Also, to be a partner in your marriage rather than a “force to be reckoned with” which is often a position couples take when turbulent issues arise.

I share this with you as a path towards tranquility in your married life. This is not the biggest challenge in a marriage but it is one to produce quick and positive results if you correctly implement it.  If you need any help getting there, read the 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work. As always, I am here to help too. 612-207-9953 or ryan.plasch@discoverymentalhealth.com

References:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/husband-can-influential-accept-influence/  

The 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work - John Gottman

Teamwork: Lifehacks for Dads #8

Teamwork is integral to making family life work. This involves your partner and your children. Is your family functioning as a team?

Teamwork has a huge payoff! Your family life will drastically improve if you can refine processes and if everybody is working together to make family life fascinating and fun.

How to Turn Your Family into a Team!

A dads role is to coach. It’s to be a strong and admirable leader in the family. Not a tyrant, not an authoritarian. If you are looking for a leadership style for your family, Launchpad Dads (LpD) recommends Servant Leadership. The idea behind Servant Leadership is that you flip the dynamic of leadership and be all that you can be for your family. Leading by example rather than by lecturing. The return will be priceless to life fulfillment and your enjoyment.

Planning vacations to bring your children and spouse closer together is a great idea. Call it a team building vacation. Otherwise, dedicate a day if you can’t do a vacation. Figure out activities to do together that would be fun. Bowling, laser tag, an arcade, a water park, and there’s a ton more. The goal will then be to dedicate it to them and you will benefit greatly because of it. You will be tired afterward but it will greatly improve family dynamics and your life.

Another part of this is evaluating how you and your spouse are doing together. Do you lead together? Are you including them in important decisions? This is entirely pertinent to making things work and to bring your family together. If not, it’s time you get on the right track. LpD is here to help. Reach out!

Benefits

Getting your family to accomplish things together is going to solve many of your issues going forward. I’m talking about family issues and personal issues. There is a huge relief that comes from within when you figure out how it works. This also builds resiliency which is very important to your family pulling through hardships together.

As always contact me if you need assistance.

Inclusion: Lifehacks for Dads #7

Your kids want to be part of your schedule. Science tells us that younger children learn by modeling. That’s why they pick up on your bad behaviors but also they can pick up on your routine.

Do you pride yourself on how active you are? Are you the laid back type on the weekends? There is a good chance your kids will follow in your steps on how you act.

Including Children in Your Routine

I have a morning routine that I stick to regularly. I’ve been doing it for almost 90 days now. I recently discovered the joy of bringing my kids into it and they loved it. Kids want the time with you and if that’s so, why not get what you need to get done too.

Warning! this will likely lead to things getting done slowly but it is important to their development that they do these things with you.

One example is making breakfast. My toddler “makes eggs” with me by opening the fridge, pulling out the eggs, picking which eggs to make, watching me crack them into the pan (I make 1 for her) and she throws away the eggshells. She also makes and butters the toast with my help. Then she sits on my lap and we eat it together.

We both get a delicious breakfast, but also, she gets time with her daddy. I mentioned in another post that both of my girls shave their faces. I take the razor off and show them how to shave their face while I’m shaving. They love it and I get to shave my face.

I won't go over it much here but babywearing is amazing for inclusion. You can do almost everything with your infant on your back or in front of you and they totally dig it. Yes, I’ve played videogames while my baby chills with me.

Benefits

There are so many benefits. You spend time with them during the monotonous parts of your day such as preparing breakfast. They learn skills that are going to prepare them for success. It demonstrates sharing and the importance of including others in your life.

Pick some of the activities you already do and include them in it. They will be better for it.

Love: Lifehacks for Dads #6

Love is where everything comes from. Love is what brought you here and what drives your force forward. It may be weaker right now or it may be the strongest part for you. Whichever the case, it is imperative that love is included in each of the areas.

How to Show Your Love to Your Family

No, it is not true. Your family doesn’t “just know” you love them. That is one of the biggest issues I come up against when talking to men. A few steps go into this.

I would say, most importantly, you need to say it to them. Pull each member aside and remind them that you care for them deeply. It matters that you verbally say “I love you,” rather than assuming they know.

The truth of the matter is telling them you love them isn’t enough. Your actions show that you love them. To start, I want you to think about 1 large request from each family member that they have for you. Then come up with a plan for this.

My wife hates when I come home and put my bag and water bottle down on the counter. I don’t do it to be annoying, I do it mindlessly. I have now been transferring my belongings, more often than not, to the bedroom where “they belong.” This demonstrates I love her and care about her feelings of where I put my things.

Focus on the Other Attributes

By strengthening your position on all of the attributes you will be demonstrating to your family that you care for them and love them. They want to see a change in you. They want to feel loved. This is even if they are resistant to your change in behavior at first. You will need to continue doing these things in the face of adversity.

You’ve got the love. The time has come to reinforce your love for them and show them what love looks like from you. I am always here to help. Write to me if you are stuck.

Creativity: Lifehacks for Dads #5

Creativity is a central part of making things work in your family. This can be hard to do at first but it will develop over time as you get to know your family better. This involves tapping into who you are and what you envision for them.

You use your creativity for many of life’s activities. It’s time to commit to using it for strengthening your connection to your family. Creativity consists of purposeful, intelligent decisions made by you to increase your children’s enjoyment in your family.

Developing Creativity

You may already see yourself as an expert in being creative. I meet many who have to be creative in their job whether its sales, getting clients, or management. The thing we don’t realize is that we have to use some of that superpower from work with our children at home and it may be uncomfortable to do so right away.

This is a skill. Skills take time to learn if you don’t already have them. Though you might be pumped and excited to try something and this is telling you to go do it. For most though, there may be no ideas.

You have the ability to be Picasso at home but you may look to your partner to be the one creating events. I want to tell you a little secret. They’re tired of doing this all the time. They need you to step-it-up and have ideas too. It’s important you take an active role in your active family’s activities.

Benefits

Your creativity is contagious and your children will learn how to be creative too. Your family will love you for it. This will bring you closer to your value system. This will improve morale in your family and will lead to their enjoyment in life and your enjoyment in life. Get cracking on creative ways to spend time with your family.

Time: Lifehacks for Dad #4

Time is a lot of different things. It is a valuable resource for many people out there. Some feel there’s not enough of it in a day while others are opposite and feel the day just drags on. We don’t always have the ability to get to what we want to do even if the day does drag on.

We give time to what is important to us. That is why we must prioritize time with our family because they are important. It’s hard to do this, no doubt, but it becomes a hell of a lot easier once we catch on to the benefits. You’ll see it like “oooooh, I get it now.” More often than not, many areas of your life improve through the ripple effect of your family life falling into place.

Why Time?

I want to be clear and say that I am not suggesting you give all your time to your family. You need to give more time to your children so that you can work on the targeted areas to improve your family life. Time does not mean reading news articles while you sit next to your children or infant. Time means meaningful engagement meant to improve the connection you have with them.

We dedicate time to many different areas of our lives. We prioritize it to meet our needs. Often, we waste it on something that won’t bring joy into our lives. Ask yourself these questions. How much quality time do I spend with my family now? What are the ways I could give my family more time?

Crossover

Time is connected to all of the categories for life hacks for dads. You will improve your time with the family if you improve your game in the other areas because they are intertwined. Still, it is important that you measure the amount of time with your family.

Benefits

Increasing time with your family will bolster a strong connection with them. Quality time will result in positive engagement, on both sides, and your children will miss you when you walk out the door. Your mental health will improve and your stress level will go down for a variety of reasons. Give your family the time they deserve and it will greatly benefit your life.

Encouragement: Lifehacks for Dads #3

How were you raised? Did you have loving parents who encouraged you to be the person you are today? This comes easier for those who answer yes to the question but it is very possible for every dad out there to be encouraging.

I almost missed out on this myself. I taught myself not to use the phrase “I’m proud of you” because of how condescending it sounds. I eradicated it from my speech, really. Then I came to the epiphany that it’s different with your own kids. How could I not have thought of that sooner? I frequently tell my daughters that I am proud of them now.

How to Encourage

Encouragement is recognizing the accomplishments of your child and expressing to them that they are amazing. It’s explaining to them that they can become anything they want to become, and challenge them to do their best while being respectful and patient.

What does your kid want to hear when they accomplish something? Kids tend to come to you with something they did right or something they’re excited about. It is your job to lift them up with words of praise at these times.

Join in on their joy. The challenge sometimes is recognizing when these times present. You might hear about activities from your child, mom, a sibling, or an educator. It is up to you to analyze the information and come to the conclusion on how to encourage your child.

Young Ones

The answer is yes that newborns, infants, babies, and toddlers need encouragement. Communication is very different at this age and consists of nonverbal communication, the tone you use when talking to your child, and the frequency and consistency that you “believe in them” or encourage them.

It is very important, no matter what age, that you encourage your children and do so in a variety of ways. This is one of the ways you are going to build your child up. This is what they need from dad!

Benefits

There are many benefits to encouraging your children when they have an accomplishment. You will feel closer to them and they will feel closer to you.

Their self-esteem will increase at that moment. They will come to you for more emotional support. Both your children and family will be stronger throughout if you consistently encourage them.

Values: Lifehacks for Dads #2

Our society should be putting values at the forefront but we just don’t do it. The wildest thing is everybody has them. I am a firm believer in our mental health taking a dive when we live out of sync with our value system; our worldview.

It’s time for you to take back control. Love and live in your life. Values are your direction. If you haven’t taken the time to notice these in awhile or if you are unsure how you would answer “what are your values?” then your kids are likely not getting that firm understanding of theirs. Kids need parents to teach them values.

Defining Your Value System

What do you treasure? What do you believe in? How should people act? How should a person live their life? Don’t get overwhelmed with this. You don’t have time to be overwhelmed.

Write a list of 3 of your top values about anything. You probably have a million of them, really. Now, are you in-line with the 3 you wrote down? That’s hard! This is the time to be brutally honest and if I were in the room with you I’d probably be able to spot some deficiencies. No offense. How does anyone have time to live up to their value system?

It’s possible but it takes work. You’re ready for it. If you don’t feel like you are, you need to call me or reach out to me by email and we’ll just chat. No strings.

Ideas for Family Values

LEAD BY EXAMPLE. Can’t stress that enough. You are teaching your kids things even when you are not aware you are doing it.

Be creative with your value system! What can you instill to really pump up your family life? What about volunteering being an opportunity? Values are not “though shall not kill!” Values are fluid entities to point you in the direction you dream of going. What creative values do you want to live out with your family?

Explain your ideas behind your actions or lessons. “I know you’re sad right now but we’re a family which is a team. Let’s see how we can work this out together so you are not so sad.” Maybe your child is an infant, “Daddy loves you. Daddy is sorry. Let's try this.” By the way dads, infants and small kids pick up on your tone and form an attachment to you on that. Yelling can hurt that relationship. We’ll go in depth on this topic at a later time.

Value card sorts really help you to hone in on what you believe is important. There are many around. I can email you one if you can't find one yourself. Let me know. This is a process of sorting out what is most important and least important. Cheesy but effective.

Benefits

Values help strengthen your family. They build resilience and they help with your connection to your kids. You will know what values you instill in your children when you hear it from their mouths at a random time, likely in public. You’ll probably feel embarrassed but you’ll secretly love it. As always, contact me if you need help. Ryan.Plasch@discoverymentalhealth.com.

Presence: Lifehacks for Dads #1

Presence is key to establishing a solid relationship with your family. What do I mean by presence? I can tell you it isn’t being in the room on your phone while your kids play with Magna-Tiles. It is an effort on your part to be in the present moment with them.

Easy way to the Present-Moment

I want you to think about your breathing. Close your eyes after you read this. You will need to clear your thoughts which is very difficult to do given we are always in the past or thinking about our future. When you breathe in, I want you to say “In” slowly. Hold your breath and count to 7 seconds. Then breathe out while saying “Out” throughout the entire breath. Take a minute to do this 5 times.

This is tapping into the present moment where your kids spend much of their time. I get so jealous about the fact that my daughter believes getting a new tube of toothpaste equals “the best day ever.” I’m sure it did feel that way to her at the moment. It was a genuine smile.

Daddy Time

Your kids want you. They want to play some weird game or watch a far out there movie. There needs to be a balance in the ideas, such as some come from them and some come from you, but it is always a good idea to be the one to recommend an idea. You can easily find out what they like to play by asking them.

Maybe play isn’t your thing after work. You can still be present with them for a time. You can read a book to them, you can cuddle them, you can chat with them but usually, that doesn’t work. You’ll have to shake the adulting part of talking and your chat will involve touch or focusing on something they love (stuffed animal or toy). You’ll likely have something funny or silly sprinkled in there. Maybe this is time to get them thinking about one of your values you can teach them.

Benefits

I’ve mentioned before that there is much crossover between the attributes. The benefits of being present with your children are many. It shows them that you love and care for them, they will change their behavior around you and want to connect more, you will be able to see their comfort level increase with you, and you will feel close with them and that you belong in your family. Also, being present has multiple benefits for your health too. Science tells us that it makes us happier.

It is crucial to be present with your family. Begin by committing to 20 minutes a day spent with your kids without interruption from your phone or something you are going to do on your own. It will heavily increase your impact on their lives. Reach out to me for ideas on how to pull this off. There will be a class offered on the Lifehacks for dads soon.

Lifehacks for Dads: An Introduction

Launchpad Dads have a number of lifehacks on how to be an incredible, powerful force for change in your family.  Feeling stuck? Yeah, so are many dads these days. Lots of pressure, no resources. It is time to change this one resource at a time.  

This is your introduction to what Launchpad Dads is all about.  You need this and you will transform your life if you can get them off the ground! There’s some work involved but it will be an incredibly fun time because that family of yours is calling your name.

Lifehacks for Dads

Presence: THIS IS KEY.  Presence involves taking a page out of your kid's book and living in the moment with them.  That’s what they do. As we become adults, we get busy and we lose the ability to have present focus most of the time.  This is mindfulness at its best. What are the ways you can be present with your children?

Values: I guarantee you that your values are alive within you.  Sometimes, when we are not consistent with our values we experience discomfort.  It is not only important for us to know what our values are, but our children also need to know what they are too.  They pick a part of them up from you. What values do you have and which ones do you want your kids to have?

Encouragement: Your kids hang on every word you say even if you are not close right now.  The goal is to become closer. Your encouragement of their success is absolutely necessary. This is key to their creativity blossoming and who they become.  When was the last time you encouraged your child? What type of person do you want to encourage your child to become?

Time:  What a resource.  I don’t even have enough time in the day to be as successful as I desire to be and I’m not alone.  The dads I talk to say the same thing. The thing is… our kids need our time. They need you to get down and dirty and play with them. If you increase your time with them by 20 minutes every day, you will see transformative results in your relationship with them.  How much time do you currently give to your children each day?

Creativity:  What you do in the time that you give your kids is paramount to their relationship with you.  You do not need to spend money for your kids to enjoy your company. Creativity consists of events you do with your kids (i.e. go to a park, play in the backyard, play in their room, go on a vacation with them) and how you can put a unique spin on what they’re already doing (i.e. pillow fight tea party, ninja Barbie, G.I. Joe explosion, and runaway stuffed animals hiding in a pillowcase).

Love: Where would we be without love? This is important but it works in conjunction with the other attributes.  Not only do we love our children but we have to show them we do. This helps with cohesion and dispels the distance between you and your family.  How do your kids know that you love them?

Inclusion:  Do you know both my daughters shave their faces?  Think outside the box. They want to copy you because you are their role model even if the connection is weak right now.  Teach them how to safely shave their faces, teach them how to make eggs with you in the morning, play video games with them, teach them how to gaze at the clouds or stars, or turn on an episode of Cosmic Kids Yoga on YouTube and do it with them.  There are so many random things they love to learn that are commonplace in your life. Your usual routine is one of the best things ever for them.

Teamwork:  How are you and your wife doing?  What about with your kids? It is time to promote a team because that’s what a family is but it isn’t always that way.  Think about the NFL. The Vikings have to play as a team or else they get pummeled. We’ve been there. We’ve seen that. Same with your family.  It is 50 percent of your job to promote great teamwork. I recommend reading about Servant Leadership and applying this to your family. What kind of Leader are you now?  

What’s Next?

I’m turning this into a series because these are the key ways to lifehack your way to the top of your family. Does this series need to be online or does it need to be in person?  Let me know what you think?

I want you to know that there is so much crossover between what is listed above that if you do 1 thing with your kids, you’ll cover 3+ of the lifehacks.  It is always good to know about each one of these

The 4 R's: Launchpad Dads Problem-Solving Strategy

Step 1: Recognize

Step 2: Reflect

Step 3: Research

Step 4: Rock-It!

Rock-It!: Step 4 of the Launchpad Dad’s Problem-Solving Strategy

The last R is arguably the most important R to problem-solving.  “Rock-It!” Where would Launchpad Dad’s (LpD) be without a rock-it! for its launchpad?

How do you “rock” something?  By taking action in the face of adversity.  By doing something new and different to change the situation.  By using the information acquired from the first 3 steps to inform your next tactic in your strategy.  

Rock-It!

It’s time to fire up the engines and launch your way to success.  Going back to the example of being a bad dad, how do you fix this?  

You read online that you are distant from your family because you are too focused on your job.  Even your wife commented that she feels second to your job when you asked her. During your reflection, you had wondered “Am I too focused on work?” and started to worry. This means that in order to Rock-It! you will need to quit your job….!

No! That’s a pretty darn silly solution and it won’t fix the problem. The action you will need to take is within you.

Action is many things.  It’s a movement towards your goal, it’s an insight that helps change your perspective, it is an out loud, engine roaring, declaration that you will fix your problem, and it’s a commitment to change.  

I will not lie.  Follow-through and taking action are both difficult pieces of the puzzle to complete. This is where a lot of the planning phase crumbles.

Sometimes it’s confusion. Sometimes it’s procrastination. If you’re me, it’s the point you become overwhelmed and you feel like your frozen in space because a meteor came and smashed the living crap-ola out of your Rock-It! Ship. Fear not. There are emergency maneuvers that come from within to avoid this.

Remember that it is never to late to apply change to your family life. They will welcome it if you’ve been floating in space too long.

Tips

Create a 14 day commitment to the action that you think will help. Do it daily and have it be somewhat experimental. You will know if it there is a change relatively quickly.

Call me.

Email me and I’ll help (a little self promotion doesn’t hurt, right? Oh yes, most importantly, I will produce results).

Take the emotions out of the results. Fear stops us from greatness. Think about this from a business perspective. Do emotions serve you well in business decisions. Not likely. Just do it. Be fearless.

Know that changes to your behavior are welcomed by your family though they may be caught off guard to the change. Talking about your goals out loud is going to take you far with the wife and older kids.

I call it Rock-It! for a reason. Action is overcharged, loud, and makes a lasting impression in your world. Conquer your at home goals much like you do in your career goals. Good luck and reach out for crap sakes! You’re not alone in your struggles.

Research: Step 3 of Launchpad Dad's Problem-Solving Strategy

Now that you have put work into identifying the issue at hand and have taken adequate time to reflect on it, it’s time to do the third R. “Research.”  I think we all know what the word research means but Launchpad Dads (LpD) has its own twist to it.

Keep in mind we are not looking for strictly empirical data here (although it can be helpful).  We are looking for self-report data from ourselves and the ones we care about the most.

Research

Research is seeking out answers to your questions that are outside of yourself.  So often we get stuck on a problem even after we have reflected on it. It’s time to do what may feel a little uncomfortable but is entirely necessary.  We need to talk to those involved in our life. There is some risk to this and that is why you must carefully word your problems to them.

Let's say you are struggling with being a bad dad and you took the time to identify this and put effort into getting to the deeper meaning behind this problem.  Research wants you to bring this up to your wife but in a different way. You should word your insecurity or problem like this: “I’m feeling down and feeling like a bad father. What are some things the kids need from me?”  See how they respond.

Also, research may find you going to your local library for a book on fatherhood. Or not, because libraries don’t exist anymore so you might use a computer instead.  You can ask google if you are a bad dad but it will be more worth your time to ask “how can I improve as a dad?” The internet is full of ideas.

You get extra credit if you read an entire book on the topic.  The Kindle app is actually very intuitive now and is available on smartphones and PCs.  I used to hate the Kindle app but they did an excellent job polishing it over the years.

Outcomes of Research

The end result of researching is that you will be knowledgeable and have ideas of things you want to do or try out to relieve the identified problem at hand.   

The biggest takeaway is that there are many ways to research problems.  You should incorporate a combination of these methods into your process which involves talking and reading helpful sources.

If your identified problem as a dad is pretty severe please consult me.  I’m happy to email or take a phone call.

The next step is Rock-It!

Reflect: Step 2 of Launchpad Dads Problem-Solving Strategy

The second R of Launchpad Dads problem-solving strategy is “Reflect.”  Calling all dads. It is time to reflect on what the hell is going on now that we’ve put a name to it. There are many ways to reflect on something and if you're skillful at it, by all means, get to it! Like now.  

Reflect

Reflection is the process of setting time aside to actually think about what hydra you are up against and how this became an issue in your life. When did it start?  Why did it start? How are you contributing to this problem? What are you going to do to resolve this issue?

Dads! We are natural problem solvers. I am asking that you put that solution-focused brain to work and come up with a strategy. This is you taking an active role in the outcome to an issue you are up against.  

Tips for Reflection

The first tip is to become present as you begin Reflection.  The easiest way to life hack to the present moment is by sitting still in a chair and deep breathing.  When breathing in say “IN” throughout the entire inhale. Next, hold your breath and count to 7 in your head. After, say “OUT” during the entire exhale. Repeat this for 5 breaths.  You will then be ready for Reflection.

Feeling overwhelmed by life stress where you don’t even know how you can focus on Reflection? Grab a piece of paper and write a list of all of those stressors. Tell yourself that you will get back to these after 10 minutes of reflection and give yourself permission to work on that festering, nagging problem.  

Trust yourself.  You are a capable dad.  You are where you are and it's okay.  It does not indicate your future. You are not a static human being but you are dynamic.  Change is possible. I have seen it in many of the people who have come to see me. Have faith in a better outcome.

The next R of the 4 Rs is Research.  

Recognize: Step 1 of Lauchpad Dads Problem-Solving Strategy

LpD has a very specific method of solving problems as a dad.  The 4 R’s! They are Recognize, Reflect, Research, and “Rock-it.”

Each step will be explained so that you get the full idea behind this problem-solving method. It is important to drop your definition of the 4 R’s and focus on the LpD version of them.

Recognize

Basic but useful.  Recognize begins with you formulating ideas of what your problem may be.  A good question to ask is, “I feel down because?” “I am anxious due to?” and so forth.  Chances are you know what the issue you are dealing with is. Though, not always.

So often we are on autopilot: Point A, to Point B, to Point C, and then sleep. Right?  Psychological distress comes from the avoidance of the problem or buying into what this wonderful society tells .  It’s often exhausting the number of messages we get from society regarding our interpersonal and intrapersonal distress. It’s usually a load of bull too.  

You have to know what you are up against if you are going to work on it.  So what you want to do here is name your problem. “I am depressed.” “I am hopeless.” or “I am a confused mess.”  Slow down and examine the possible names of the problem you are having.

“I’m mad at my wife” may actually be “I’m mad at everybody” but you continue down the path that it’s your wife. If so, then:

1. This is going to cause unnecessary marital issues.

2. This problem is bigger than her and extends to multiple people in your life.  

I’m telling you.  It is important to give thought to naming your problem rather than burying your problem.  They fester in their grave. Slow down, take yourself off autopilot and think about what this key problem is.

The second step on this journey is to reflect.

Overcome Loneliness During Dadhood

It is hard to be super dad and still keep your buds in the loop. This is one of the most common things brought to my attention when I meet with new dads. Why is this?

I’ve talked before about Daddy Brain. In the same way your brain is going through an evolution, so are your relationships with your friends. Maybe you’ve noticed it in the friends you have who became dads before you. Things change and it’s okay.

What is not okay is when the people you care about fall off the face of the planet and you are left wondering does anyone outside my family care about me anymore? This happens often and you will need to be on the lookout for it so the realization doesn’t blindside you.

A valuable point I want to get across has to do with recent research into loneliness. Scientists found that the quality of relationships that you have is far superior to your mental health than the number of relationships you have.

Different Kinds Of Loneliness – Having Poor Quality Relationships Is Associated With Greater Distress Than Having Too Few

The findings from the research also support what other research has found to be true about relationships. “As the researchers conclude: ‘From a societal perspective, and in the interests of reducing the burden of psychological distress, efforts should be made to enhance the quality of social connections as opposed to promoting the virtues of larger social networks.'”

To Dadify these results I want you to think about who you were incredibly close with before becoming a father. Then think about the last time you reached out to that friend who may be a single guy or gal with no kids. It is time to connect with whoever popped into your mind just now.

Quality relationships benefit you more than quantity. This is important in fatherhood because you won’t have time to keep up with every single person you want to. Choose wisely those who will bring you positive, resounding vibes in this beautiful, fatherly life of yours!

An additional point is that there are ways to connect with other gents who have sons or daughters. It takes some effort but dads are a very lonely group of men at times because their relationships tend to float away after they have kids. I have made it my mission to reach out to those who have the desire to be a better father and overall human being.

Please feel free to reach out to me and we can figure out a way for things to improve in your life. I recommend beginning by liking Launchpad Dads’ page on Facebook! My email is Ryan.plasch@discoverymentalhealth.com.

The Good, The Bad, and The Dad: Pressures from Dadhood

Dad’s have it so easy. Actually they don’t. Dad pressures seep in relatively quickly once the big status change hits home. What are these pressures? Well, that’s not easily summed up in a post. But I would like to review 2 of them to get the ball rolling and get you thinking on how to improve.

Pressure 1: 2 Full Time Jobs

I commonly hear about the work pressure issues that occur. I hear dads everywhere make the mistake, including this dad writing this blog at one point, “Well honey, I’ve got to go make the money. Good luck with the house.” “If someone doesn’t make the money, Who’s going to?” Or if its a dual income home, “Well I’m dad, not mom. They want mom.”

Bubble burst right here. While your thinking process makes some sense. It still isn’t fair. Imagine going to work and never leaving. Imagine having a bed at where you work that you would sleep in and get out to start work in the morning. Or, for dual income houses, imagine going to work in the morning and then going to work at another job. 1 job is 5 days a week and the other job is 7 days a week.

THE GOOD

Parenting is like another job but its very different one. And just because it is compared to another job doesn’t mean it is horrible or it is a job you don’t like! I use this comparison to easily explain how it is seen in the eyes of your spouse. This then signifies why being a present father is so important. Many dads are proud of their family. It is important the family is shown this through action not word. Well word too, but mostly action

That right there is the pressure! How do you manage your workload and still be a present father in your family? That’s loaded but I have faith in you to ponder this and think about ways to improve. If you get stuck. Shoot me an email at ryan@marriagegeek.com.

Pressure 2: Where’s the Sex?

Sex gets complicated after child #1 pops out. What a bummer BUT! not all hope is lost. I assure you, it isn’t. I also want to point out the fact that you’re not just craving sex so stop thinking that way. Its more complex than that.

Sex is definitely part of it but when children are in the mix of your love life, it will likely decrease for awhile. Lets look at why first. Chances are Mom is stressed, Mom is fed-up, Mom is touched-out, Mom has had it, Mom wants everyone to leave her alone, Mom is tired. Also, breastfeeding has been associated with lower sex drive with women. Thanks a lot breastfeeding (its beneficial though).

I’m here to tell you that adjustment time is needed and intimacy is what you are craving more than sex. Its just we are flooded with sexuality from the media, our guy friends talk about it, and it is constantly on a dad’s mind. But you miss your wife and sex is harder to come by for an insurmountable amount of reasons like how long it takes to put the kid to bed. *Siren Blows* You’ve been blocked. Good night.

THE GOOD

Most men go into nagging mode or they go into withdraw mode and don’t talk about their feelings. Both are wrong. You want intimacy and/or sex from your wife? You’re going to need to understand what’s going on. And how do you understand it? By being a present father and husband in your family. Being emotionally available, being patient, and again talking talking talking. Its okay to have your feelings. That being said, your actions are what counts!

Don’t Nag, Don’t withdraw, fight the urge and seek connection. Be helpful and play peek a boo with your kid. Makes sense or starting to make sense? Good. Need help with this? Then reach out. I’m happy to talk.

Dad enthusiast, Dad therapist Ryan Plasch wants to be your everything dad related handbook. Contact him at ryan@marriagegeek.com

Late Bloomer: Fatherhood Lessons from the film The Mule

I recently saw the film The Mule. Very good movie but what stuck out to me the most was its theme on fatherhood. The Mule follows a 90-year-old horticulturist whose business is foreclosed on and so he begins a very profitable journey running drugs for the Cartel.

Earl is completely alone at the beginning. His granddaughter is the only member of his family that will talk to him. This was his in. His way back to his family’s good graces where they slowly began talking to him after he made the effort to connect.

What was Earl’s problem? He was a disconnected father who abandoned his family to work on his public image and the flowers he loved more than his own life.

Late Bloomer

This struggle is a human struggle and a relevant struggle for our day and age. Our society values financial growth instead of personal growth. It sends the message that its better to be soulless than poor. Please, lets fight this message together.

Fathers! it is easy to lose sight of your family because of the need to build financial wealth but take it from Earl. It isn’t worth it. You may be reading this and think “Well duh, I love my family.” I want to make the point that just loving them isn’t enough. A dad loving his family and being present is what it takes for a family to make it through. Providing too but being fully present when you are with them is key.

Don’t be a late bloomer!

A late bloomer consists of a father with the potential to be a great dad but isn’t. Instead, they wait until its too late to reconcile before putting in the effort. Even then, there’s no guarantee they will be given the chance to bloom.

It’s your life. Take control. if things are strained now, talk about it with a professional or friend or read about how you can make a difference in your own journey of being dad.

The Love of My Life and the Pain of My Life

At one point in the movie, Earl is having an intimate conversation with his ex-wife. She is forgiving him for not being there for years during their marriage since he is here now in her time of need. Her quote “You are the love of my life and the pain of my life.”

A goal for a family is to be flexible with one another and to teach and to learn from each person. Also, the love should be shared and plentiful. We are to teach our kids valuable life skills so that they can flourish out in the world without the need for us in their daily life.

There is no time to be the pain in your family’s life. It ruins its structure and even when it feels like it is impossible to change, it isn’t. I’m here to tell you there’s another way to be.

It’s up to you to avoid being the pain and turmoil in your family’s life if you find yourself in this position now. Take a moment to honestly reflect how your family feels about you. If there are concerns now know that they wont dissipate without you intervening.

If you would like to find a new way, I’m here to help. Email me if I could be a resource to you. My info is below.

Dad Enthusiast, Dad Therapist Ryan Plasch would love to be of service to you.  He can be contacted at ryan@marriagegeek.com or by clicking here.