Men

A Creative Way to Celebrate Father's Day

I made a firm decision this year to do a Father’s Day dedicated to loving my family.  I asked each of them to decide 1 thing to do with me today and I would do it. This idea came from asking how can I best serve my family and be a co-leader in the direction of my family.  This is what excited me about Father’s Day this year.

I very much want to employ a servant-leadership dynamic into my family.  I may be on the right path but I want it to be stronger. I believe many families would be better having had this.  Dads all over would find more joy and less disconnection in their lives if they could find a way to implement servant-leadership principles.  

Father’s Day is an opportunity to start.  

The Goal for Father’s Day 2019

I have been working on excelling in my family for some time.  Does it always work? No, I fail often. I fail by stonewalling, disconnecting, avoiding troubles, having little patience, not supporting, gaslighting, and refusing to change.

Even so, my goals still stand.  It was time for me to put family first and elevate their position in my mind, body, and heart. To take the love I think I have for them and put action behind showing them.  There are many ways to accomplishing this goal but presence is a big piece of unveiling the mystery behind how to do it. I found that BEING PRESENT with them was the game changer.

My thought then was how do I be present with my family this Father’s Day when society says they are to celebrate me?  I put the focus back on them and informed them that this is what I want to do. It sends a different message. One that adds value to my family’s emotional bank (more on that another time).

What We Did

They chose very different things.  My wife wanted to clean out the hot tub due to it needing to be cleaned for some time… which we’ve been putting off. It felt great doing this together though bailing it out caused the beginning of a headache for me (which went away).  

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My oldest daughter wanted to watch a movie.  The movie was The Land Before TIme #15, Journey of the Brave.  We cuddled on the couch and talked about the film. I left my phone behind.

Deidre is 2.5 years old.  She chose to spend time with me by playing a game dubbed “The Sleeping Game.”  No, this doesn’t involve me any sleeping (unfortunately). There are sound effects that we play from a music book.  1 of them has the power to put me to sleep. The others I react to (camera taking a picture, door opening, ketchup splatting, someone running, etc…). I chase after them to prevent them from pushing the button that makes me sleep. It was fun and both my girls enjoyed it.

I had some alone time during Father’s Day too in which I caught up on the latest E3 news from the week.  We went out to eat with my parents as well to catch up with them and celebrate my dad being a father.

The last part of my night was spent talking with my wife about our spending habits (which she loves talking about and I constantly avoid.  She’s better with money) and our future goals. I feel we are more on the same page with each other and have big plans in motion.

It was a very memorable Father’s Day

Lastly

Do not think I am big on myself for having done this.  I probably read about doing this somewhere and forgot where.  Also, I didn’t spend the whole day doing things with them. It was just part of the day.  I am on a journey to be a better father, servant-leader, and provider like many of the dads I get to know through Facebook groups, counseling, and friendships. Let’s walk together. #dadsolidarity  

As always, let me be a resource to you. Ryan: 612-207-9953.  

A Dad's Guide to Partner Influence

One very important concept that exists for relationships is simply called Partner Influence.  Dad’s who have a respectful and softer approach to be able to consciously and purposefully accept the influence of their partners are statistically happier than rigid fathers are (Gottman, 2015).

Sidenote.  Don’t think for a second that I am suggesting that dads should be the only ones to accept influence from their partner.  I am merely suggesting they start things off with their partner. Lead by example. Lead by action. This can be a new dynamic found in your relationship if you let it be.  

Defining Partner Influence

This concept means many things. It is setting your marriage up for a win-win rather than a win-lose (Pincus, 2017). This is possible but it takes some work to get there.  

Partner influence suggests you put your partner’s needs at a high level of importance in your life. You may feel this you are doing this already but we’re not talking about how you feel your level of success is, we’re talking about what your partner feels your level of success is which is a very different measure.  It is your job to check-in on your current defined level of success.

So often I see married couples who aren’t doing this.  Why? Because society doesn’t place an emphasis on its importance and American’s often are drowning in a world of busyness and stress.  

Don’t be offended if your partner doesn’t consider you up to the level you think you should be.  This isn’t a time to be successful. This is a time to learn and be accept influence from your partner. Here’s another thing about society.  These days, it isn’t easy to be a great partner with work and careers in the mix. Kids definitely don’t make it easy! There is so much working against you.

Regardless of what is going on for us personally, it doesn’t give us an excuse to give our family members the shaft.  Partner influence is one way to be mindful of our current behaviors and remain stable when there are personal life stressors present.  

Why Be Influenced

Statistics tell us much about the importance of partner influence.  Did you know that wives are a ton more likely to already engage in being influenced by their partner than men (Gottman, 2015)?  That’s why it is important that husbands are taught to engage in this practice too. Remember, we’re shooting for a win-win in the relationship.  

Also, marriages that incorporate partner influence into their creation are statistically proven to be happier marriages overall (Gottman, 2015).  This is the goal. To be happy with having your partner as a partner. Also, to be a partner in your marriage rather than a “force to be reckoned with” which is often a position couples take when turbulent issues arise.

I share this with you as a path towards tranquility in your married life. This is not the biggest challenge in a marriage but it is one to produce quick and positive results if you correctly implement it.  If you need any help getting there, read the 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work. As always, I am here to help too. 612-207-9953 or ryan.plasch@discoverymentalhealth.com

References:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/husband-can-influential-accept-influence/  

The 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work - John Gottman